I’ve got to confess, when I was working in the pub trade, I had a lot of daft ideas.
“Is overtime available?”
“Do we get paid for that … ?”
Stuff like that …
I also had a lot of cynical sayings and soundbites I’d trot out, on suitable occasions.
I’ve posted them here, a couple of times.
Given that Google have had the Pages facility available for awhile, now … ?
I thought “To heck with it, I may as well give ’em a Page of their own.”
So without much further ado, here’s …
Nik Nak’s
Laws
For
Smooth–Talking
Bar–Stewards
The Book Of the Laws Of Nak.
Law 1.
Never get involved in domestic incidents: especially if the domestic incidentees names are over the door. Fingers could get burnt.
Law 2.
a) Don’t work in a pub you couldn’t drink in, but don’t drink in the pub you work in¹.
b) Go to work on a nutritionally sound breakfast. Rather than a hangover.
Law 3.
The customer is always drunk, no-matter how right they are.
They tend to behave badly, in that state. For a given value of both ‘badly’, and ‘drunk’. If they’re not? Either you’re doing something wrong, or they’ve got a higher tolerance for alcohol than they thought.
Law 4.
Never forget the expandable rhubarb. Curve-balls are handy.
Law 5.
Remember the Roadie’s Mantra.
“If It’s Wet, Drink It,
If It’s Dry, Smoke It
If It moves, Shag It,
If It Don’t Move, STICK IT IN THE BACK OF THE VAN!”
Law 6.
There’s always one.
Law 7.
The boss is always right. There’ll be another one along, in a minute.
Law 8 (a to c).
a) Keep your eye out for the pub bore, they will turn up.
b) Keep glasses out of the way of the violent drunks, and make sure the boss is in between you and them. The boss is insured.
c) Avoid Messiahs: and don’t fall into the hands of a Hero. Frank Herbert had a point.
Law 9.
If you can’t improve the silence, say nothing. (Originally attributed by a regular to someone he saw quoted in a newspaper, somewhere.)
Law 10.
Time goes past at one second per second. The git …
Law 11.
Stacked Glasses are cracked glasses. Remember that.
Law 12.
When you end a customer’s order with the question, “… is there anything else?”, what you actually mean is “Mine’s a triple vodka.” Or pint of lager, or £4•57p for a pot of coffee and a cake, or a week with a high class Russian hooker/male escort. You get the idea.
Law 13.
Be bloody careful with the mixed messages from the drunk horny types². Condoms are easy to pick up, rape charges hard to avoid. Pissed and horny can also turn easily into pissed and angry: keep that in mind³.
Law 14a.
It doesn’t matter how busy the pub is, you’ve seen nothing and no-one.
Law 14b.
The dog collar comes with the job.
Law 15.
Real ale doesn’t need pouring: it needs constructing.
Law 17.
Bonking the boss might be tempting, but …
Law 18.
If anything can go wrong, it will go wrong, at the most awkward time, and at approximately the same speed as a Christmas episode of EastEnders.
Law 19.
Customers occasionally like their beer in the same glass. They’ve never heard about cross-contamination.
Law 22.
If you can’t be good, be careful. If you can’t be careful, wear an entertaining hat.
Law 23.
First in turns everything on, and fills up the ice-bucket. Last out turns everything off, and empties the bin.
Law 24a.
If dating someone you work with, don’t go to bed on an argument.
Law 24b.
If dating someone you work with, don’t go to work on an argument.
Law 25.
If it’s green, sticky and in an novelty bottle, sell it to a gullible punter. Don’t go near it, yourself. Law 16, remember?
Law 26.
‘Multiple’ is good: unless it’s anywhere near ‘vehicular’ or ‘injury’.
Law 27.
Alcohol is corrosive.
Law 28.
It’s inflatable. Please do not smirk!
Law 29a.
Anyone tells you the job’s glamourous, hit ’em. The gene pool does NOT need idiots like this.
Law 29b.
Anybody tells you they wouldn’t mind doing the job, tell them to get their heads examined.
Law 30.
Don’t keep the customers waiting. They’ll whinge: usually at you.
Law 31.
Look busy. It’ll confuse the boss.
Law 32.
If all else fails, bluff!
Law 33.
It’s not the colour of the customer’s skin: it the colour of their money!
That sounds cynical, I know …But I’m left-wing enough to think that whatever ethnic background you’re from, what gender you are and who you choose to sleep with, really aren’t important. And that things like racism, sexism and homophobia, are basically bullying, by other names.
Law 34.
Work names, or pub nicknames are only to be used WHEN ON DUTY!! I don’t get snotty, often, but …
Law 35.
Anyone working with you on the bar, is family. You’ll be spending a lot of time with these guys.
Law 45.
Most of the above Laws can be ignored, if need be: they’re more of a set of guidelines.
EXCEPT LAW 2) 13), 17) and 19).
Remember that.
Law 87.
Try not to drop anything. Management do like to make a fuss.
¹ There’s quite a lot to be said, here. My basic point? Is simply that part of a pub’s atmosphere is supplied by us, whether we’re drinking on the job or not. A pint’s fine, at the end of a shift: drinking before a shift starts isn’t a good thing. Let’s face it, how many of us have stunning cash handling skills? Or customer service skills?
Adding alcohol to the mix doesn’t help: nor, in my view, leave a good impression on those oh so important first time visitors.
With due care and diligence, Laws 1), and 3) may be bent, or broken. Law 2) — as with 8b) — can’t!
Remember this, we serve/sell alcohol. However socially acceptable it is in the UK, we sell a drug not known for improving behaviours: many of us forget this, and the fact that other industries find drinking on the job unacceptable.
² This is deadly serious and something I can’t stress enough: to put it bluntly, all they usually want to do is flirt with a pretty face when they’re ordering their drink. If they want more, they will tell you: WHEN THEY ARE SOBER ENOUGH TO DO SO!! Do NOT take them home, unless you’re bloody certain it’s what you both want, you’ve both made the decision to do so, and that what happens there is something that you both want to happen.
A few friends are on the fetish scene, and they always stress three words: Safe, Sane, Consensual. Of the three, the third’s the relevant one, in my view. Informed Consent, and being in a fit state to give it, receive it and understand the transaction, is crucial, whatever way we’re wired. Being in a state to understand that’s important. Like I say, rape charges …
³ Oh, so easily, into pissed and angry. To add to the point, be tactful, when rejecting someone in that state, as well as careful. And VERY aware. And get the boss to pay for a cab, if need be.
