Sunday, 10 March 2013

Orcs: 101 Uses for a leftover Uruk … !

9th March, 2013

You know, I really am grateful it was my birthday, on the Monday, just gone.

No, really … !

Basically, it means I’ve not only got a handy present from my family: the Dock for my iPod, as well as the cable to hook it up to my TV.

But also, an iTunes card or two, to bung some content on there.

OK, there’s a couple of albums gone into my iTunes collection: and I’m eyeballing some remakes of a few old ZX Spectrum games from back when I was a youngster*.

Oh … 

And I’ve ALSO manage to rent a movie or two.

Oh, BOY, haven’t I rented a movie or twoª … !

Including the extremely xheap and cheerful turkey, I watched tonight: Orcs!


10th March, 2013

Set in the fictional Balancing Rock National Park, Orcs sees its central characters, Cal and Hobie^ —  a pair of incompetent park rangers — taking their time about the job, and arguing with their boss.

Until, about halfway through the day, the park gets invaded: by a bunch barbaric, marauding ORCS!

Like the title isn’t a giveaway.

The film carries on … ?   By following the pair, as they desperately battle for life, limb and sanity, armed only with a tranquilliser gun, a few darts, a couple of torches, a lantern, an UZI 9mm, lots of shotguns, rifles, SMGs, rocket launchers, and a girl with a longbow, and dynamite fuel arrows.

Now … 

Have I made this sound silly, yet … ?

Gosh, I hope so … !

I’ll be frank with you, Orcs is not a stunningly good film, not by a long shot.

About its one redeeming feature is, for ALL it’s cheap, hammy, and covered in cheese, is that the blessed thing refuses to take itself seriously: and plays its story if not for outright laughs, than certainly with its tongue in its cheek.

Which is what — from where I’m sitting — makes the £2·49 rental price — and star and a half rating — none too bad.

I’ll leave you to watch the trailer, shall I … ?
Orcs!   ★½☆☆☆

*        The shame of it is that NO-ONE’S done an iOS remake of MaziacsAtic Atac or Pssst.   Personally, I call that bloody disgusting … !

ª        I know Dr Kevin was asking me how one did this: Kevin, you’ll need to download the relevant version of iTunes for your Windoze machine.   Using iTunes, you’ll need to create an Apple ID.   Once that’s done, you can buy an iTunes giftcard: you can get them in most shops in Brentwood High Street, and are something like credit card sized scratch-cards.   On the iTunes store, you’ll find a ‘Redeem’ link, under ‘Quick Links’.   Feed the code into the box, and you’re ready to roll … !

^       For the LIFE of me, the iTunes version of the characters names, doesn’t agree with the IMDb version!   Or, indeed, cast list!   Be warned.

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